Ten Things That Love Should NOT Feel Like…

Being in love has got to be one of the most amazing feelings ever…next to seeing your newborn son or daughter for the first time after labor (so I hear). That “in love” feeling is also amazing when you are loved back.

Well…now knowing what love is, I also know what love is not. I’m not an authority on the subject, but the heart will never lie to you.

Let’s go:

  1. Love should never make you feel fear.
  2. Love should not feel like a “chore”.
  3. Love should not be extremely hard or feel tough.
  4. Love should never make you feel as though you are alone.
  5. If someone loves you, you should never feel as though they just “don’t care”.
  6. Love should never place you in a state of confusion.
  7. Love never fails; if it’s hurting you, then it isn’t love.
  8. Love should never feel as though it isn’t supportive; love IS an anchor and something that grounds you, holding you steady in the midst of ANYTHING.
  9. Love should never make you question your decision TO love (deep)…AND FINALLY…
  10. LOVE NEVER LIES…

I won’t part my lips to say I Love You and not mean it…that’s the problem though; people say it, knowing full well that it’s empty and FAR from sincere.

Your best bet? Pray before you commit yourself to someone. Let God order your steps in a new or even a more seasoned relationship! You can even get better footing w someone if you have fallen off track, yet you all are on the same page, and willing to work at the relationship. Do the work BEFORE things go sour (if they ever do). Just make sure that you know that “flowers, bells, whistles, and candy” ALL of the time is not real. There will be disagreements, heated discussions, anger, etc., but love has the extreme and undeniable power to conquer any of those things. Just have enough sense to keep an open mind.

Take my poll and let me know if you agree w this post!

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What You Want vs What You Accept

Currently digesting information from these pages:

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Author Steve Harvey is not necessarily “liked” by many, as it relates to his advice on relationships…I actually like him, and I agree w quite a bit of what he discusses in this book and in “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man”.

One thing I am noticing in today’s relationship society is that people are looking for that “quick fix”, or the situation that yields mostly, or only, tangibles. Hmmmm…if I’m honest with MYSELF (speaking for Lauran Adell ONLY) I know that I want more than just a handbag or a trip to an exotic island. On page 56 of the book “Straight Talk, No Chaser”, Steve makes a VERY strong statement. He says “…accepting gifts from a guy without getting what you want in return is nothing more than an advanced form of prostitution”. What makes this statement so TRUE is that I know women who willingly accept gifts from men, yet secretly desire a real relationship (if your BOYFRIEND/FIANCE/HUSBAND buys gifts for you, that’s different–I’m not referring to those women). When a woman accepts those gifts, handbags and trips, without getting what she truly wants, she is in fact a “bought woman”; you JUST told a man that you have a “set price”, not that you are “priceless”. This ALSO speaks to the fact that a Father or Father figure is JUST AS important in a girl-child’s life as one is in a boy-child’s life. (DISCLAIMER: this is not to say that a woman is ONLY strong if she has a Father/Father-figure; this is merely stating the IMPORTANCE of said role in a girl-child’s life…keep reading!)

My Father, bless his HUGE heart, is the BEST MAN IN THE WORLD to me; a modern-day Superman!

Here I am w my Daddy at a luncheon at our church, where he Pastors, where the men were honored:

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He has made it so that I don’t ever have to want or need for anything!

Because he was (and still is) very active in my life, I understand that I deserve the very best that a man has to offer. My Father has ALWAYS given me his best, even when I didn’t want to hear what he had to say on certain topics; but that didn’t stop him from being the best Daddy to me…I salute him and how he has been very crucial in how I handle men. BECAUSE OF HIS INFLUENCE, I can smell the proverbial bullsh*t miles away.

Steve Harvey hits on SEVERAL points about how to deal w men and how to get what you would like out of men (i.e. commitments , honesty, etc, not referring to tangible items–please…), but one thing that he will state, and states OFTEN is the fact that if you aren’t getting what you desire out of your relationship/if you feel that it is going nowhere/if he won’t commit, LET HIM GO. I love how he refuses to sugar coat a situation w his female audience…and for some, it’s just what we need to hear/read. What you want HONESTLY is that commitment; so why settle by merely accepting gifts that only pacify you for the moment? It’s easier to manuever through these situations w men when you KNOW YOUR OWN PERSONAL VALUE. It’s only a problem when you have no clue as to who you actually are and what YOU actually want.

I know what I want and I won’t settle for less than I deserve; I have my Father to thank for that! My Mother (may her soul rest in heavenly peace) was married to a KING (my Daddy); she encouraged him, supported his vision(s), and stood by him. Also, my Dad knew he was blessed with a Queen–and he treated her as such! A woman who encourages her significant other and supports him will ultimately make a man “want” to change his ways FOR HER! You can’t “change a man”, but you can be so phenomenal that he commits to making changes on his own…KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

MOM AND DAD

There is no textbook method in getting to know someone, however you have to truly evaluate and sometimes RE-evaluate your situation on a regular basis.

Are you getting what you want?
Or are you getting what you accept? I’m hoping you know the difference…trust me; the men ALREADY KNOW THE GAME; we have to “navigate the plays”, ladies!

(FYI: if your man is honest w you, he will acknowledge his growth (or lack thereof) with you, and will let you know JUST how valuable you are to his life…I never said that love is easy, but I do know that love should not hurt you, and is ABSOLUTELY worth it!)

To Sir: Wherever you are as you read my blog, I Love You; I appreciate you allowing me to love you the way that I am designed to love a man, I am grateful for your support of everything that I do, I will always encourage you to be the best that you can be, I have your back, and life has been amazing since you’ve entered into it. Thank You for being there for me; no matter what we have gone thru, I wouldn’t change a thing…I know, just like I knew back in 2011, that I am in good hands. *muah* 

ELLE

7BLOGGERDAYS Jan16: Picture of me

Lauran hiding her face

Lauran hiding her face

Here is a photo of me at a restaurant called Waffles in the South Loop area of Chicago, IL. My significant other took this picture, trying to catch me on the sneak, but I am always watching…so this is the shot he took! And I was being bashful! LOL

Your Past: And You're Holding On Foooooor…(25)

(And I’m serious when I say this)…I am going to SERIOUSLY send up prayers for KeKe Wyatt.

Disclaimer: I am not blogging to belittle her, bash her or to talk badly about her…but she needs prayer and peace.

KeKe Wyatt, for those unfamiliar, is one of five “Divas” on the new series R&B Divas, that is aired on Monday evenings on the tvOne network. I am personally a fan of KeKe’s voice; she can straight just SANG. HOWEVER…she is harboring ill feelings that she has not yet resolved from a previous marriage. On one episode, KeKe is in the “booth”, getting ready to sing. Her husband is in the room w the music engineers, and a young lady comes in and gives him a note. Not sure what the note was about, but in a “secure” eye, the way in which the note was passed to him was not offensive. KeKe noticed this interaction, and immediately snapped at the young lady AND her husband (1st mistake). She went on to call the gesture inappropriate, she ended up crying, and EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO was brought into the situation (2nd mistake). She chose to express her anger out in public, and her manager (I believe) had to pull her into another room to have a sidebar conversation to calm her down, etc.

ADDRESSING THE FIRST MISTAKE: There truly was no reason for her to have snapped on either party. Period. I could see if the young lady came in the room and tongued her husband down…she only brought in a note, which could have been a phone message, a confirmation on a gift that he was getting for KeKe, or something pertaining to their 5.5 kids (KeKe was pregnant at the time of this incident; she has since birthed her 6th child named Wyatt). We haven’t a clear clue as to what was going on, nor do we know what that note was about, so why snap? If you’d like to know what the note was about, ask him!

ADDRESSING THE SECOND MISTAKE: Relationships are complicated on their own, minus outside influences…why was everyone in the studio invited into the resolution of, or discussion surrounding, what had just happened? At THIS point, time is MONEY…studio sessions are not cheap, so now the session time is spent trying to calm her down and to counsel her briefly. Wrong place, wrong time…

ALTHOUGH KEKE’S SITUATION MAY BE EXTREME, KEKE IS NOT UNLIKE MANY OF YOU READING THIS BLOG…either that, or you are familiar w someone who may struggle w insecurities from their past…

I completely and wholeheartedly believe in love. 100%; not wavering from this; I’m all for being in love. But IN THAT, there’s no room for your baggage. True, we will all carry something w us, but if you are still harboring #painful feelings from a previous heartache, you may need to spend some time alone and regroup; and no…hopping into a NEW relationship/dating situation will not help you to “get over” your pain, so please Sir/please Ma’am spare someone else from your uncertainty; have a few seats! Speaking w your Pastor, a Counselor, or just taking time to rediscover those things that you lost are all helpful when recovering from a past hurt. I remember being hurt very badly in a past relationship, and I waited seven years before I got into another one. I vivdly recall losing 10 lbs due to not eating, I was pretty much existing (not living), and I remember how ANGRY my Father was at the guy who had caused me to be in such pain. After about six months of going thru the emotions I had surrounding that hurtful relationship, I was ready to “have conversations” w men. After a full year and some change had passed, I began dating…but my point in even mentioning that is…I took time to make sure that I was not about to inadvertently place the responsibility of fixing my broken heart on someone else (also, my time frame of healing is not necessarily going to work for the next person…that’s something that you have to figure out on your own). What people ALSO don’t realize is…when you make someone “pay for” what a past beaux did, you start a cycle of pain and potentially reckless behavior. What do hurting people do? They hurt other people. So see NOOOOOOW you’ve hurt the new guy/girl, and they may go on a spree of sexcapades, playing the field, and breaking hearts along the way. ONE ACTION can cause a CHAIN of reactions…is it worth it to mess up someone else’s life SIMPLY because yours isn’t together? Get Your Life, Sir/Ma’am…

I know I know…people don’t like to be alone. So? I don’t like bills LOL. But seriously…until a more mature and nurturing relationship comes along? You may NEED to be alone! There’s no way you can “get away” from yourself, so spend some time getting to know what you will and will not tolerate. You have to rebuild after someone has attempted to tear you down. That stuff can HURT; don’t reopen the wound; let it heal. Be good to yourself FIRST before you expect for someone else to be good to you. Men and women can equally “smell” an insecure individual…and…some take advantage OF someone vulnerable/insecure. Become “whole” again so that no more wool will be pulled over your eyes. Once that rain called pain has gone away, the healing comes in looking for the rainbow.

eLLe

Advice For A New Relationship (24)

*Names and any other identifiers have been changed to protect the privacy of any parties involved*

SCENARIO: “My boyfriend doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend. He’s 37 yrs old, and is clueless about relationships! He hasn’t been involved w anyone since 2002, and he’s been hurt before. I’ve planned all of our dates, told him how I’m feeling about things and he says he’ll change but has not. We’ve been together a few months now, but I’ve learned to place my relationship as a priority and if I get it, he should be able to as well. I asked him ‘do you even want this relationship?’ and he said ‘well it looks like you’ve already made your decision.’ On top of that, he never told me that he made us “official”…I found out from a friend that we were an official couple. He’s really a good guy though, but I feel alone. What should I do?”

ELLE’S RESPONSE: You are going to have to stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself as it relates to this relationship. No one told you to do everything…#YOU told you to do everything. Why not suggest to him that he should plan the next outing; don’t ask him what you all are going to do; just let him plan the entire date. He has to be made to feel that he is contributing to the relationship as well; if you do everything, he will never do ANYTHING. Also, show him how to treat you w your actions vs always having “super serious” conversations. The first thing you must do is take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I could see if you all have been together for 6yrs or so…it’s only been a few months. You have to relax and have patience w him. He’s been hurt before, and in all honesty, it appears that he’s waiting on you to give up on him, because someone “giving up” may be what he’s accustomed to! Let him be involved in the relationship; of course you feel alone because you do EVERYTHING. He may be slightly discouraged to try his ideas out because you’ve made every decision. A relationship is about compromise; a man is a natural leader, so let him take the lead w things! However, even w that, a man has to realize that you aren’t like his past relationships…and if he’s been hurt, that takes a lil time and building trust. Give this time to flourish before you give up on what could very well be the relationship you’ve waited for!

(My friends frequently come to me for advice, and I am always there for them when they need me. I’m hoping that this has helped someone!)

Elle

How Does This Thing Work?! (13)

Ever wonder how relationships work?

Ever ponder whether or not it’s even worth the risk of heartache?  Or even the potential of having/meeting the one true love of your life?  It’s definitely not an easy task to take on, and you have to be comfortable (or content, if that makes you feel better) w the fact that the RISK is EQUAL TO the potential REWARD…I mean you REALLY have to come to grips w that…

Well…I took a class, back in the Fall of 2010 at my church.  It was the first time that this course was offered for people who may be thinking of (and who had questions regarding) long-term relationships i.e. #MARRIAGE.  Since that is something I am considering in my future, I wanted to know WHY I was even considering such a covenant (even though a healthy marriage was on FULL DISPLAY in my home w my Parents).  The title of the class? “Before We Say I Do”, based off of a book written by Marvin A. McMickle.  This is the book that my Father uses for his couples going thru pre-marital counseling (my Father is a Pastor and a mighty good one).  The book talks about 7 Steps To A Healthy Marriage, and the Chapter Titles are Faith, Friendship, Frankness, Forgiveness, Fidelity, Finance, and Family (even if you do not desire marriage, this book is a GREAT read). The book goes into SERIOUS depth about all of those things, and even shows how all of them are connected.  In the course we watched movie snippets, had class exercises–some were men vs women lol–and we talked openly about our fears and what we were looking forward to in marriage.  There were plenty of single parties in the course…some engaged couples, even some couples ALREADY married, but looking to get a better understanding of how they could be better IN their marriage.  I later came to find out that some of the couples that were in the class parted ways.  And I just wondered if maybe they figured out (for themselves) that it just wasn’t worth the risk…?

One HUGE point that will ALWAYS stick out from that class is the fact that it will always be a challenge bringing two different households together.  Your mate was shaped by their families, or lack thereof, as were you.  However, you should come together and be in agreement on the MAJOR things (refer back to the 7 chapter titles above).  For example, if your significant other prefers to smoke his/her life away and hang out in the streets every chance he/she gets, and you are not interested in those things, problems will arise.  If BOTH of you are “shoppers” vs one being a shopper and one being a saver, or BOTH of you being tight wads w the funds, then oh yes indeedington…problems will arise LMAO.  If you are one w a strong work ethic, realizing the absolute truth of “if you don’t work, you don’t eat”, and your significant other can’t hold a job due to reasons such as “I don’t like people telling me what to do” (yet AINT STARTED ANRA-NARRY BUSINESS TO BRING IN REVENUE, but thinks he/she gives sound advice on HOW to move around in life), problems will arise.  Not saying that the two of you can’t have different views on things, but on the MAJOR things though?  Yeah…you’re gonna have a problem if those don’t mesh.  If you don’t like sports and he/she does, fine.  If you aren’t interested in sushi and he/she is, that’s fine.  If he/she thinks the idea of “money well spent” means how many times you buy up the bar at various clubs though…you get where I’m going w this.

**So how DOES it work?  You have to communicate; LISTEN; be honest about what you want; be straight forward about what you will and will not deal with; learn the definition of the word “compromise”; be supportive; show RESPECT…and while you’re doing all of things, don’t lose yourself during the process and pursuit of a healthy relationship. It’s always been ok to just be YOU…so why change what attracted them to you in the first place?  It’s scary to love someone, and allow yourself to be close to them…risky, yet rewarding; I’m all for it…

**–this paragraph in particular is also relative in platonic/familial relationships, not JUST intimate ones…#CLEVER huh?

*smoochface*

Elle

INJURED AND WOUNDED… (8)

I don’t really dig sports all THAT much, so this isn’t a blog about any recent injuries (prayers out to those who are dealing w injuries though…).  I’m talking about the injuries we have that either life has provided, or the ones we give ourselves.  Yep…even you are injured.

Let’s get to it.

FOR EXAMPLE…I am “injured” or “wounded”…not from any past relationships or anything like that (those wounds have since healed), but my heart has a slight “tear/rip”.  For those who are not truly familiar w me, my Mom passed away January 22, 2009 from a cancer called Multiple Myeloma.  She actually outlived the actual life expectancy OF the disease, but God called her on home…it was just painful to watch such a vibrant being lose all strength.  This is my heart’s tear.  (wait…lemme do this right quick…)

DISCLAIMER: I am in NO WAY looking for any sympathy; however the world needs to know that not ALL injuries are PHYSICAL in nature.

(back to original thought) Ok.  The “injury” that my heart has sustained is the loss of my Parent.  My Mother; the woman who carried me for nine months, endured 27 hours of labor to bring me here, and loved me unconditionally.  Dealing w her passing is a DAILY struggle, and in all honesty, this is one of those wounds that won’t ever FULLY close…feel me?  Grief is one hell of a road trip…

You may not have this same type of scar; this is an injury that “life” provided to me and my family.  And it’s actually ok. But this doesn’t qualify as an injury that was self-inflicted; oooooooooooooh let’s step over into that room…

What about the person in your life, whether it be friends/family members/WHOEVER, who is truly “no good”?  Not all relationships that are bad for us will be the boyfriend/girlfriend type stuff…think about the “toxins” that you allow into your space…if someone is always “slick” jabbing you, but always ending it w a “just kidding”…watch out.  SOME of those people are genuinely your peeps, and are just kidding…but there are those who will secretly seek to sabotage your success.  Your circle should be small; the circle of people who you share your dreams/goals w should be EVEN SMALLER.  Keeping “toxins” around you due to feelings of obligation, or because you have history w them?  SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS.  There is no logical reason that a person who brings about harm and discord should be allowed to remain in your space. Their constant presence only reopens or KEEPS open your own SELF-INFLICTED WOUND…don’t you love yourself? Sooooo pouring salt into a paper cut, for example, actually “feels good” to you? Ha!

I don’t knooooooooooooooow…if you constantly reflected on WHO is in your circle, and what they bring to your life, you’d have to honestly ask “is this to my benefit or detriment?”.  It’s really time out for assuming that certain affiliations will bring about perfect relationships; stop buying proverbial “band-aids”; you’re “wasting money”, and your self-inflicted wound will never heal, because you cause the pain to “self”. Life’s injuries don’t have to kill you; just care enough about yourself to understand that some things just aren’t your fault.  Some injuries are unavoidable…what are you doing about the ones that ARE?

*smoochface*

Elle