Advice For A New Relationship (24)

*Names and any other identifiers have been changed to protect the privacy of any parties involved*

SCENARIO: “My boyfriend doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend. He’s 37 yrs old, and is clueless about relationships! He hasn’t been involved w anyone since 2002, and he’s been hurt before. I’ve planned all of our dates, told him how I’m feeling about things and he says he’ll change but has not. We’ve been together a few months now, but I’ve learned to place my relationship as a priority and if I get it, he should be able to as well. I asked him ‘do you even want this relationship?’ and he said ‘well it looks like you’ve already made your decision.’ On top of that, he never told me that he made us “official”…I found out from a friend that we were an official couple. He’s really a good guy though, but I feel alone. What should I do?”

ELLE’S RESPONSE: You are going to have to stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself as it relates to this relationship. No one told you to do everything…#YOU told you to do everything. Why not suggest to him that he should plan the next outing; don’t ask him what you all are going to do; just let him plan the entire date. He has to be made to feel that he is contributing to the relationship as well; if you do everything, he will never do ANYTHING. Also, show him how to treat you w your actions vs always having “super serious” conversations. The first thing you must do is take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I could see if you all have been together for 6yrs or so…it’s only been a few months. You have to relax and have patience w him. He’s been hurt before, and in all honesty, it appears that he’s waiting on you to give up on him, because someone “giving up” may be what he’s accustomed to! Let him be involved in the relationship; of course you feel alone because you do EVERYTHING. He may be slightly discouraged to try his ideas out because you’ve made every decision. A relationship is about compromise; a man is a natural leader, so let him take the lead w things! However, even w that, a man has to realize that you aren’t like his past relationships…and if he’s been hurt, that takes a lil time and building trust. Give this time to flourish before you give up on what could very well be the relationship you’ve waited for!

(My friends frequently come to me for advice, and I am always there for them when they need me. I’m hoping that this has helped someone!)

Elle

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Men And Women: What You Should Know (4)

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…this ain’t about to be your average “relationship” blog; yall see those frequently, and I’m not about to discuss my own (WHICH, by the way, is awesome). But at any rate, *clears throat and smiles*, I just want it to be known that there really isn’t MUCH difference between women and men. The OBVIOUS difference doesn’t need to be stated (hello), but think on these things for a sec:

1. Women can be emotionally charged; but so can men.
2. Men can be nonchalant, unmoved, and uncaring; but so can women.
3. Women can be opportunists/gold diggers/seeking to be “arm candy”; but so can men.
4. Men can date 12 other ppl and still hold #ONE higher than the rest; buuuuuuuuut so can women.
5. Women seek to be single parents (seeing A LOT of that lately); but men seek that as well…rare, but they do..
6. Men go to the barber shop for hair cuts/linings; huh…so do women (I personally have a barber).
7. Women are graceful in ballet; so are men.
8. Men hoop and play football; so do women.
9. Women can be multi-taskers and run a house like a champ; so can men.
10. Men can fall in love and STAY in love; so can women.
11. Women sell their bodies for MORE than just sex; so do men.
12. Men are gadget geeks; I know PLENTY of women gadget geeks lol
13. Women can nurture your mind, heart, and soul; so can men.
14. Men provide financial/emotional/physical security; women can provide this as well.
15. Women can LAY SOME HAIR OUT; hell, SO CAN MEN!!
16. Men can totally be attractive in uniform; so can women!
17. Women like to talk; so do men!
18. Men are known to be rigid and unbending; women are as well.
19. Women accept engagement rings; gtfoh! so do men!
20: Men are strong spiritual leaders in their homes; women are known for that as well.

I could go on…I stopped at 20 randomly…but the thing you REALLY should know is that you MUST take the person for who he is, not based on the stereotypes associated w “gender”. That’s part of the problem w any kind of relationship i.e. intimate, fraternal, spiritual, platonic, etc. We fail to accept the PERSON. I’ll tell you all something–and it’s something that people MAY not readily know about me–I wasn’t always excited about marriage…but see, you wouldn’t know that #now based on where I am in my life. Not by a clock though…being in love brought about that change in me. Seeing that marriages DO ACTUALLY WORK (along w having an example of “til death do us part” in my own home) kept a good taste about marriage in my mouth. However…had I decided that #Sir was EVERYTHING that EVERY guy was in my past, then I’d probably still swear off marriage, or love in general. Same for my girls: I’ve experienced an incident where a certain young lady just could NOT BELIEVE that her then boo and I were just cool. He and I were cool prior to her invitation into his life. But BECAUSE SHE COULD NOT grasp a relationship w a guy that didn’t involve sex, she perceived he and I to be bumpin’ buddies. Had I assumed that all women were this way, I wouldn’t have the Sisters that I have in: JoAnna Vanessa Wilborn, LaKeshia Adams, LaToya Lyons, Dawnielle Alfred, Charisma Branch, Cynara Baines, Jamie Fair, Shena Beamon, Roslyn Davis, Fiesha Burge, and Ambra Hendrix. I just wouldn’t have any of them; they accepted me for me, and I them.

IDK…if you want the best out of a situation, don’t expect a certain result based on what a person “is”. Look at what they bring. Embrace something other than your stereotype!

*smoochface*

Elle