Your Past: And You're Holding On Foooooor…(25)

(And I’m serious when I say this)…I am going to SERIOUSLY send up prayers for KeKe Wyatt.

Disclaimer: I am not blogging to belittle her, bash her or to talk badly about her…but she needs prayer and peace.

KeKe Wyatt, for those unfamiliar, is one of five “Divas” on the new series R&B Divas, that is aired on Monday evenings on the tvOne network. I am personally a fan of KeKe’s voice; she can straight just SANG. HOWEVER…she is harboring ill feelings that she has not yet resolved from a previous marriage. On one episode, KeKe is in the “booth”, getting ready to sing. Her husband is in the room w the music engineers, and a young lady comes in and gives him a note. Not sure what the note was about, but in a “secure” eye, the way in which the note was passed to him was not offensive. KeKe noticed this interaction, and immediately snapped at the young lady AND her husband (1st mistake). She went on to call the gesture inappropriate, she ended up crying, and EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO was brought into the situation (2nd mistake). She chose to express her anger out in public, and her manager (I believe) had to pull her into another room to have a sidebar conversation to calm her down, etc.

ADDRESSING THE FIRST MISTAKE: There truly was no reason for her to have snapped on either party. Period. I could see if the young lady came in the room and tongued her husband down…she only brought in a note, which could have been a phone message, a confirmation on a gift that he was getting for KeKe, or something pertaining to their 5.5 kids (KeKe was pregnant at the time of this incident; she has since birthed her 6th child named Wyatt). We haven’t a clear clue as to what was going on, nor do we know what that note was about, so why snap? If you’d like to know what the note was about, ask him!

ADDRESSING THE SECOND MISTAKE: Relationships are complicated on their own, minus outside influences…why was everyone in the studio invited into the resolution of, or discussion surrounding, what had just happened? At THIS point, time is MONEY…studio sessions are not cheap, so now the session time is spent trying to calm her down and to counsel her briefly. Wrong place, wrong time…

ALTHOUGH KEKE’S SITUATION MAY BE EXTREME, KEKE IS NOT UNLIKE MANY OF YOU READING THIS BLOG…either that, or you are familiar w someone who may struggle w insecurities from their past…

I completely and wholeheartedly believe in love. 100%; not wavering from this; I’m all for being in love. But IN THAT, there’s no room for your baggage. True, we will all carry something w us, but if you are still harboring #painful feelings from a previous heartache, you may need to spend some time alone and regroup; and no…hopping into a NEW relationship/dating situation will not help you to “get over” your pain, so please Sir/please Ma’am spare someone else from your uncertainty; have a few seats! Speaking w your Pastor, a Counselor, or just taking time to rediscover those things that you lost are all helpful when recovering from a past hurt. I remember being hurt very badly in a past relationship, and I waited seven years before I got into another one. I vivdly recall losing 10 lbs due to not eating, I was pretty much existing (not living), and I remember how ANGRY my Father was at the guy who had caused me to be in such pain. After about six months of going thru the emotions I had surrounding that hurtful relationship, I was ready to “have conversations” w men. After a full year and some change had passed, I began dating…but my point in even mentioning that is…I took time to make sure that I was not about to inadvertently place the responsibility of fixing my broken heart on someone else (also, my time frame of healing is not necessarily going to work for the next person…that’s something that you have to figure out on your own). What people ALSO don’t realize is…when you make someone “pay for” what a past beaux did, you start a cycle of pain and potentially reckless behavior. What do hurting people do? They hurt other people. So see NOOOOOOW you’ve hurt the new guy/girl, and they may go on a spree of sexcapades, playing the field, and breaking hearts along the way. ONE ACTION can cause a CHAIN of reactions…is it worth it to mess up someone else’s life SIMPLY because yours isn’t together? Get Your Life, Sir/Ma’am…

I know I know…people don’t like to be alone. So? I don’t like bills LOL. But seriously…until a more mature and nurturing relationship comes along? You may NEED to be alone! There’s no way you can “get away” from yourself, so spend some time getting to know what you will and will not tolerate. You have to rebuild after someone has attempted to tear you down. That stuff can HURT; don’t reopen the wound; let it heal. Be good to yourself FIRST before you expect for someone else to be good to you. Men and women can equally “smell” an insecure individual…and…some take advantage OF someone vulnerable/insecure. Become “whole” again so that no more wool will be pulled over your eyes. Once that rain called pain has gone away, the healing comes in looking for the rainbow.

eLLe

Advice For A New Relationship (24)

*Names and any other identifiers have been changed to protect the privacy of any parties involved*

SCENARIO: “My boyfriend doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend. He’s 37 yrs old, and is clueless about relationships! He hasn’t been involved w anyone since 2002, and he’s been hurt before. I’ve planned all of our dates, told him how I’m feeling about things and he says he’ll change but has not. We’ve been together a few months now, but I’ve learned to place my relationship as a priority and if I get it, he should be able to as well. I asked him ‘do you even want this relationship?’ and he said ‘well it looks like you’ve already made your decision.’ On top of that, he never told me that he made us “official”…I found out from a friend that we were an official couple. He’s really a good guy though, but I feel alone. What should I do?”

ELLE’S RESPONSE: You are going to have to stop putting unnecessary pressure on yourself as it relates to this relationship. No one told you to do everything…#YOU told you to do everything. Why not suggest to him that he should plan the next outing; don’t ask him what you all are going to do; just let him plan the entire date. He has to be made to feel that he is contributing to the relationship as well; if you do everything, he will never do ANYTHING. Also, show him how to treat you w your actions vs always having “super serious” conversations. The first thing you must do is take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I could see if you all have been together for 6yrs or so…it’s only been a few months. You have to relax and have patience w him. He’s been hurt before, and in all honesty, it appears that he’s waiting on you to give up on him, because someone “giving up” may be what he’s accustomed to! Let him be involved in the relationship; of course you feel alone because you do EVERYTHING. He may be slightly discouraged to try his ideas out because you’ve made every decision. A relationship is about compromise; a man is a natural leader, so let him take the lead w things! However, even w that, a man has to realize that you aren’t like his past relationships…and if he’s been hurt, that takes a lil time and building trust. Give this time to flourish before you give up on what could very well be the relationship you’ve waited for!

(My friends frequently come to me for advice, and I am always there for them when they need me. I’m hoping that this has helped someone!)

Elle